I stare at the stick, mouth open, eyes wide, too scared to believe what I am seeing. Two blue lines where over the past 6 years, my mind and eyes have gotten so used to seeing one. These 2 lines change everything.
You see for 6 years I have dreamed of these 2 blue lines and what they signify. But for 6 long years I have struggled to achieve that supposedly simple task of conception. I just couldn’t get ‘knocked up’ or ‘caught out’ no matter how hard I tried. Over these years I invested more time, energy and money than I care to recall on every treatment possible. Initially I went the traditional route, which included many rounds of drugs, operations, and culminated in hormone treatment and finally IVF.
I also explored holistic therapies including reiki, reflexology, and acupuncture (to name but a few).
My mindset was that I was broken, and if I could find the right person or treatment it would fix me.
I would stifle my tears, as another of my friends would announce their happy news. They would recount with joy how easily they had ‘got caught’. This would simply twist the dagger in my heart deeper, reinforcing that I somehow wasn’t good enough. There must be something wrong with me. How can it be so easy for everyone else?!
After 5 years trying to conceive, culminating in an IVF pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage I was exhausted, emotionally and physically. I suddenly realized that I had been putting my life on hold, refusing to enjoy myself or be truly happy until I could tick motherhood off my life achievement list.
It dawned to me that I had so so much to be grateful for and yet I was focusing on the one thing I didn’t have.
I told myself that I would stop fighting and struggling, and I would simply allow my baby to appear if it was meant to be, and when the time was right. In my heart I never gave up the hope that I would conceive naturally, and fulfill my dream of being a mum.
I put my energy and focus into living a life that made me happy, removing the stressful aspects, and moving towards as much fulfillment and joy as possible.
I detoxed my body. Years of medications and hormone therapy had taken its toll, so I used nutrition and naturopathic techniques to cleanse my system. I worked at being the best version of myself mentally and physically, but most of all I just let go.
Months later, as I see by unborn baby wriggle and scratch his nose on the monitor in front of me, I am overcome with such love and wonder, I fear my heart might burst. My miracle baby is nestled in my womb.
I stopped fighting. I stopped striving, and I stopped stressing, and like magic he appeared.